Wednesday Musings 061720: Gratitude

Hi Everyone, 

I read somewhere recently, please forgive my lack of reference, that one of the best ways to get back into the moment, back into focus, back into living appropriately, is to just have gratitude for what you have. A moment of thanks, of blessings. 

Emma Doyle, the great Aussie tennis teacher, passed on something she had heard at a tennis conference a few years ago in her blog yesterday, and that was this handy little formula:

CONFLICT = Expectations + Reality

And of course, that doesn’t just mean external conflict with others, but also internal conflict (unhappiness) with ourselves. 

Now reality isn’t going anywhere, its reality (ok, there are alternative facts, but good luck with that), so if we want to eliminate, or minimize, conflict, we have to work on our expectations. 

“Reality sucks, but it is the only place you can get a good cheeseburger.”

– Woody Allen

The Tao puts it this way,

“Expect nothing and you have all things” – Lao Tzu

Now sometimes we don’t like reality, we might not even find it acceptable, but it is still reality. We have to work with it. Or suffer. Naturally, this is tough stuff. 

“Life is suffering” – Buddha, first noble truth.

It is suffering because of craving, desire and attachment (the second noble truth). 

If I have gratitude, if I am thankful for what I have, even in the face of some pretty terrible suffering, I can better live in the present moment, accept reality, focus on what needs to be done now, what is the best course of action. I am better connected with my inner voice, my values, beliefs, my spirit, my soul, and god, if you are so inclined to believe that way. 

In other words, I can let go of craving, desire and attachment (third noble truth) and start to live the path (fourth noble truth).

As Dean Sluyter pointed out in his wonderful book, The Zen Commandments, there is a very American way to say all this about gratitude. It is: 

O.K.

OK, or short for, Openness and Kindness. This is gratitude, and acceptance. I’m open to the way things are, and I meet that reality with kindness. 

So how does this work? Here’s an example that just came to me out of the blue. Not sure why I thought of it: “We have to wear masks at Orindawoods while playing doubles due to social distancing directives.” 

Openness and kindness: “Thanks for letting me know and explaining why, I appreciate you looking out for the members.”

Or:

At Orindawoods we wear masks + I don’t want to wear a mask = CONFLICT

And the conflict can be internal, or external, but we have brought conflict into our lives through our expectations, or desires, rather than gratitude and acceptance, which leads to a much happier existence. Not just for yourself, but for all around. 

Often, we would rather that reality changed to meet our expectations. We think that if we got what we wanted, we would be happy. This is the narcissist option. Interesting logic. 

Byron Katie, when confronting a belief, suggests we ask four questions:

1.  Is that true? 
2.  Can you absolutely know that it is true?
3.  How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? 
4.  Who would you be without that thought? 

If we got what we wanted, we would be happy? Hmmm… Perhaps true in the short-term. Maybe we are the center of attention, for that moment. But absolutely know it is true??? Long-term? Forever? In the light of more information and time? We ate the chocolate, yum, but now we are fat. 

How do we react, what happens, when we believe that thought (reality should change to meet my expectation)? Generally, we just look for something else we would like to have changed, to prove our worthiness again, keep us in the center of attention, a few moments later. Conditional worthiness always requires ongoing evidence. You have to keep making the case to your unconvinced soul. This can be exhausting over time. You are constantly struggling to make people or events tell you are worthy, or important. 

If the world changes to meet our expectations, we feel valued, like we are important. But most of the time, the world doesn’t change, so the opposite is true, we feel not valued, unimportant. It is this system that leads to unhappiness, not actually the way things are. We have set ourselves up for unhappiness, by saying, “You should change to show that I matter.” 

“Give me my five-pound chocolate bar, I deserve it!”

Collides with:

“I don’t deserve this. To die like this. I was building a house.”—Little Bill Daggett

“Deserve has nothing to do with it.” (shoots Little Bill) – William Munny, Unforgiven

Sometimes we have lots of money, power, influence, so we can “make” the world change. Seems good, but then you get COVID-19 and die a painful death, choking, because it seems, COVID-19 doesn’t care who you are. Didn’t check your bank account, your membership at the Club, your street address, your political affiliation, or how often you go to church. 

Or we play a tennis match. We expect to win, we lose, so we feel lousy. Losing a tennis match should not be an accurate indicator of our success or failure, happiness or self-worth. Or that of our kids. 

Having the world rotate around us makes us feel like god. Like we’re the most important thing. At least to those around us. For a moment.

But like god? It actually does the exact opposite. Depending on outside forces, that is a formula for servitude, slavery, unhappiness, dependence on the opinions of others. This is the basis of codependency. We are giving others, the outside world, the keys to our happiness (and unhappiness), rather than keeping that power for ourselves. 

Who would I be without that thought, “I should get what I want”? It turns out that I would be free. Empowered. 

Our worthiness should be based on grace, acceptance, self-love, and not on our actions, or other’s actions.

Our happiness is too important to give that power to others. Openness and kindness, gratitude. 

Two men looked 

Through prison bars

One saw mud

One saw stars

What is your view? Are you looking for reasons to feel lousy, or feel good? Either way you are in prison. In a sense, we all are. We all live in this world, with its rules, limitations and reality. 

Sometimes reality does suck. Sometimes reality seems unacceptable. What about racism? Or looting? War? Pandemic? 

Does our expectation or desire that it should be different, change anything? Anything other than how we feel? Does our anger make it better? 

Sometimes anger can get us moving, get the energy flowing. Maybe anger is a boat, that gets us across the river to the other side. But once we are on the other side, do we have to keep carrying it on our back, through the jungle? It seems cumbersome and, in the way, at that point. How can we maneuver, stay on balance, adjust, act quickly and appropriately, focus on anything else, with a boat strapped to our back? 

With anger, we may get revenge, but then what? 

There is a great film, A Bad Day for the Cut, (agriculture slang expression for, “unbecoming weather”) from Northern Ireland, which starts out with a brutal and seemingly meaningless murder of a farmer’s elderly mother. Then there is an attempt on the farmer’s life, and he sets out with his shotgun to right the wrong. Hunt down the killers. You think you are watching a movie about good and evil, a revenge flick, about innocent people vs. brutal and uncaring gangsters (there is no better evil character in the history of film than Frankie – everyone, good or bad, is terrified of Frankie -- except the farmer), but slowly, you start to realize as the movie goes on that there is more than one side to the story, that maybe Frankie exists for a reason. Why Frankie became Frankie. As one side exacts its revenge for the first death, another death is perpetrated by the other side. By the end, you are left with a disheartening realization that revenge just leads to revenge, there is no settling the score and that there is always a reason to go on, even if you think you reach the heart of the problem (Frankie), and the violence never ends. Who do you call for help when you are that far down the road? 911??? There is no one to call. No one to answer.

 A Bad Day for the Cut started out as crime story, a “who done it?”, when all along, it was really a treatise on The Troubles in Northern Ireland, and that violence just begets violence, and no one is right or wrong in the end. No one even remembers, or even knows, what happened, generations ago, who started hating who first. You could say the same for the Hatfields and McCoys, or the Middle East. 

We can accept the reality that something is wrong, we can take action to change it, without it changing us. MLK, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela all advocated change, without embracing violence. Without changing who they were, without resorting to a lower form of functioning to deal with people that were functioning at a lower level. They still saw the other side as people. They didn’t fight evil by becoming evil, as so often happens. 

There is no greater misfortune

Than to underestimate your enemy

Underestimating your enemy 

Means thinking that he is evil

Thus you destroy your three treasures

And become an enemy yourself

-- Lao Tzu, Tao te Ching #69

They accepted reality, they didn’t expect it to be different, and then did what they could to be the change they wanted to see. 

Revolution, rebellion, violence seems faster, and more satisfying, but it only results in counter revolution. Force begets force. “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” 

How do we accept reality, accept everyone, include everyone, and make a change that everyone wants to see? How do we include everyone? Certainly not by selfishly only thinking of ourselves and our needs. We need to include everyone. Respect everyone. Truth and reconciliation. 

Truth and reconciliation starts with seeing reality. Not wishing it was different, or raging against it, no matter how justified that anger seems.