| Sent: | 04/27/2020 |
| From: | keith@orindawoodstennis.com |
| Subject: | Monday Musings: Human Touch |
| Message:
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Monday Musings: Human Touch
Hi Everyone,
Welcome to Monday Musings. Let’s start with Bruce Springsteen (naturally),
Human Touch
You and me we were the pretenders
While it is natural to think that Springsteen’s emphasis here was on the erotic, which is human, and important, it goes past that, the yearning, for closeness with someone. Another person. Another human. And the physical component is a part of that. But there is a lot more, which oozes through the lyric as well. To be held, physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Humans are social beings. We are wired for human touch, for social connection, for togetherness. We tend to live in groups, in towns and cities, in neighborhoods, and of course, in family units and couples.
And now COVID-19: that what we need, what we long for, can be dangerous. There is physical distancing, avoiding people by at least six feet, marks on the pavement, lines draw on the floors in the stores. Masks on the face, like bandits used to wear, so they couldn’t be identified. We can’t be identified. Our smiles have been covered, muted. I work on smiling with my eyes, and with the wave of my hand.
In talking with my friends, some who are more touchy-feely than others, others shy and stand offish, and some macho, but almost everyone has said something along the lines of, “Can I ever hug again?” Or among tennis teachers, can I ever help someone reposition their grip on the racquet by showing them, turning the racquet, adjusting their hand.
In another Springsteen classic, Jungleland, he sings,
Lonely-hearted lovers Struggle in dark corners Desperate as the night moves on Just one look And a whisper, and they’re gone
Beneath the city two hearts beat Soul engines running through a night so tender In a bedroom locked In whispers of soft refusal And then surrender
Again, an erotic reference, but it speaks to all of our needs, and that how long can we fight our social nature, how long can we say “no,” when we are hard-wired for connection, for love, for touch, for being social?
Many people are home with their families, their loved ones. They are married, have partners. Here is a chance for connection we all need. Now the human touch can be lost there, as well. Hurt, pain, disappointment, mistakes, and boredom can all come into a relationship over the years. Often, we pick partners to try to fix what was wrong in our family of origin, and that can lead to the same suffering we experienced in our youth. Sometimes it’s opposites attract, sometimes it’s too much the same.
Other times, some of us, get it just right. And it is magical. Two people complete each other. We all wish for that. From Dean Sluyter’s The Zen Commandments
My friend Peggy has been married for more than twenty years:
At first there was some butting of heads as we tried to figure each other out. Over time, it became easier, less effort, more of a natural flow. I think the key for me was learning to see what’s not important ---which is most of it --- and being willing to talk about the rest. If the other person is at all reasonable, they’ll usually go along. For example, I ‘ve always been extremely punctual. My husband is always late; it seems to be in his genetic makeup. When I realized this was a battle I couldn’t win, I gave up being punctual. I had to make the decision to bicker my whole life or let it go. And there wasn’t a sense of, “Well, now he owes me one.” In fact, it turned out to be better for me. I discovered it was OK to relax and arrive at 8:05 instead of 8:00. The more things you let go of, the simpler it gets. Not every couple figures this out --- my in-laws never did. They loved each other madly, but they spent their lives having big battles over little things, like which way to cut the carrots. It’s just not worth it.
My heart goes out to teens, and twenty-somethings, who are looking for life partners, or just a date, and may be alone, and the drive to connect is so strong then, and we are told by society, by parents, world leaders, to just shut that instinct down. Are we really surprised the beaches are crowded? How can you stop the most basic human need? Yet there is much criticism of “cavalier” behaviors. I understand that too.
I was walking the other day, in a park, and a young man and woman, probably about 16 years old, walked towards a park bench. He was carrying a white bag, and tan box, clearly from In and Out Burger. And you would expect them to be in shorts and t-shirts perhaps, jogging clothes. But he was nicely dressed, shirt and pants, and she wore a stunning red dress and shoes with heels. Make-up, etc… This was a date, this is what they could do, go to a park, and perhaps sit six feet apart. And enjoy a burger, and some connection. No doubt wanting more.
Others are alone. It’s funny, when I was younger, probably in my thirties, and single, and writing love stories, poems, I used to think, well, you write about what you know. And this is the time to write a love story, because when I’m older, I won’t feel this way anymore.
One more drop in an over-flowing bucket of proof that when we are young, we don’t really know a whole lot. I’m pretty sure I can still write a pretty good love story today. And feel lonely, and not want to be alone. Getting older, and maybe wiser, doesn’t cure that… the need for connection. For human touch.
And maybe this is what this is, this e-mail, a love story. A story about love, to me, to you, to the world.
I am Full of Love Tonight
I am full of love tonight Come look into my eyes, and let’s go off Sailing, my dear, on a long ocean ride. This world will not touch you, I will keep you snug upon my seat. Let’s plot To make the moon jealous With a radiance leaping from your cheek. I will be full of love tonight, Come look into these ancient eyes! And let’s go off sailing, my dear, With our spirits intertwined. Your body is just an old sandbar In a speeding hourglass of time. Love will turn the mouth of sorrow Right side up. Let your heart commence its destined Laughing chime! Hafiz will be brimful of love tonight, Why ever be shy? Come look into the playful eyes of my verse, They are eternally branded, Branded with The Sun!
-- Hafiz
In the past week, it seems people are getting together a bit more. Most are still social distancing, and the wearing of masks has certainly increased everywhere, even outdoors on trails. People find ways to connect, on ZOOM or FaceTime, with virtual parties, church service, classes and such.
And this “contact” is good. This physical distancing, but social connection helps. And yet we still miss the human touch.
I know people, very good people, socially conscious people, that follow the guidelines everywhere, expect for when it comes to a loved one who lives out of town. They will travel there, sometimes a long ways, they will touch. And others will not.
And some will judge, and some will not.
Should we judge? Should we try to control others? Other’s behaviors can lead to the spread of the virus, to us, to family, to friends, to other people. So, it is our business, and it is not our business. We can’t control others. The needs of the many comes into conflict with the needs of the few, the individual. The touch. The answers are not easy.
For others, there is “too much” human contact, but not the kind that we need and want. Doctors, medical professionals, first responders, people that are in essential businesses and work with the public, these people have plenty of contact, but not the kind that nurtures the soul. In fact, it incites fear, and makes many of these providers want to be held, but in a safe, loving, caring way, by a loved one, and not have everyone look at them as a potential carrier.
I remember the last hug I received. It was right before Shelter in Place, with a dear friend. Will we ever hug again? As friends, as family, as a society?
And yet, I always remind myself, this too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass…
Is it like clicking your ruby slippers together three times, and saying, “There is no place like home, there is no place like home, there is no place like home.”
So, in a time when a pretty basic human need, human touch, is for many, not possible. And for all, limited, what do we do?
It becomes a time for self-love, and self-compassion. I find myself hugging myself, putting my arms across my chest, around my shoulders, my hands on my back, like I would a friend’s. I have a friend who says she has rediscovered a teddy bear. And telling myself the things I would tell a beloved, or friend. Giving to myself the love, that is not available from others in this time.
Circumstances change, but human needs remain the same. And while we abstain from human touch, we need to give ourselves the love, care and concern that those hugs represent.
Compassion for others is one of the highest callings, and there are many things we can do for each other. We almost naturally move to reduce suffering of others. Many of us are good at giving compassion, and care to others, but rather poor at giving it to ourselves.
In difficult times, we often forget self-compassion. We reach out well, we lend a helping hand, we bake cookies, we “keep in touch” by e-mail, phone, we work as a service provider, etc… and in the dark of night, we can feel worn out, emotionally exhausted and alone.
In my first tennis office, there was a handwritten note on the wall that said, “It’s OK to give more than you get, but not more than you’ve got.” A little reminder. For many of us, especially mom’s and dad’s raising families, front-line first responders, or service prov |
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