Finding Friday, Finding Me and Control

Hi Everyone, 

It is an interest and challenging time of social distancing. In fact, I heard a great statement the other day, that, “We want to physically distance, but socially connect.” 

The devastation of isolation is clearly not as great as the damage the virus can bring, but it is a secondary damage that is significant. So, in these times when many of us feel powerless, and a loss of control, one of the empowering things that we can do is connect with others, using various media options (phone, text, e-mail, FaceTime, ZOOM, etc…) Connect with family, neighbors, fellow members, friends, people we know in the community and across the world. I don’t want anyone to be alone. Though I know there are some. 

And for those that are not alone, we want to have good connections with our loved ones. So that we don’t feel alone when we are physically with others. Take the time to really listen to what your family members need. What they want to say. It is so wonderful to feel heard. And it is a gift we have the power to give, if we take care of ourselves and get into the place of our best selves. May you all find connection and love throughout the day. 

Control is an interesting topic in these times. We have spent our tennis lives trying to control the ball, primarily in an attempt to control the outcome of our tennis matches.

In singles, the largest percentage of point outcomes is an unforced error (someone makes a mistake), then there are winners (someone hits a winner) and forced errors (someone hits a tough shot that forces a mistake). Interestingly, when you combine winners and forced errors, that number is greater than the number of unforced errors. So, in tennis, we can have impacts on the outcome, other than just waiting for them to miss before us. Partial control. Sounds like life. 

In doubles, winners are actually the most likely outcome, followed by forced errors and unforced errors. We know this intuitively, doubles is a much more offensive game than singles, mainly because there is a net person who can often hit down, while when you are off the net, we have to hit almost all shots up to go over the net, and yet limit the power so that the ball comes back down inside the court. From down low, or at the back, tennis is a defensive game.  

I’ve written past newsletters (on the website, go to “Information” and then “newsletter” to see past issues) on how to better control the ball, the match, ourselves. We want contact to be much more like catching and throwing, than striking and hitting. We want to roll the ball, rather than collide with it and have it bounce away. In strategy and tactics, we want to play shots that give us the highest percentage chance for winning the greatest number of points. We want to develop a mental / emotional / spiritual (beliefs) space that gives us the best chance to perform.

These are all things that we can do to control and improve our performance. But we have little control over how our opponent plays (though we have some, Craig O’Shannessy said the other day, one of the ways that Novak is great, is how bad he tends to make his opponents play). Still, in the end, they have to choose to play badly, to take too many risks, play it too safe, to let their game break down. It is their decision. 

And then there are things far beyond the players, that we have no control over at all. The wind, the sun, the temperature, even the condition of our aging bodies. Father time is ticking. This is God’s stuff. 

As tennis players, we have been studying aspects of control our entire tennis lives. We have had to learn, often kicking and screaming (OMG, my teenage years!!!) that we are largely out of control of outcomes, especially in the short term. Raised in a school system where 90% success was the standard, to play a game where the match winner barely clears taking 50% of the points, and the #1 player in the world averages around 54% for the entire year (same at any level, say 3.5 or 4.0). 

Tennis is a game with many climaxes, or times of tension, with a game being decided roughly every 4-8 points, and then repeated again, over and over again, game after game, slowly building to a climax at the end of each set, and then at the end of the match. Even the winner of the match, tends to lose a lot of these mini battles. Tension is built in, and control is hard to find. There are no guarantees. Ever. We seldom feel certain of the outcome, and each of us has a horror story or two where we were in total control, and it slipped away. The 6-0, 5-7, 2-6 loss. Ugh, the memories, the nightmares. (Sorry to bring that up).  

So, in actual fact if we have been playing for a while, we are all well trained in letting go, and still moving forward. Having to take steps backwards, and still attempting to progress. To be defeated in the small battles, and not let that stop us from our long-term goals and our long-term best interests. 

“Tennis is a lousy game for perfectionists.” 

We’ve all had off days, taken a beating, lost matches we should win, and won matches we would usually lose. We’ve had partners that have carried us, and others that can’t carry a single tennis ball, let alone a can, a partner or a match. Opponents that couldn’t make a shot, and others that couldn’t miss. And these can all be the same person, on a different day, or even in a different set. 

We are experts at letting go of control, or we wouldn’t still be out there. The game would have beaten us a long time ago. We are strong, strong at controlling what we can, and letting go of what we can’t. We keep coming back. 

***

In this time of COVID-19, we have control over somethings, mainly ourselves and our behaviors, attitudes and thoughts (to varying degrees). Just like tennis. 

And there are other things we don’t have control over. That lack of control looms large in these times when the enemy is a virus we can’t even see. Could be anywhere, on anything. Thank God tennis isn’t that hard. 

Even with the spread and containment of the virus, we have our part to play. It might seem small, in the grand scheme, but it is a part, and a lot of small parts added up make a big part, and that is what we are being asked by society to do. Do our part. But never forget it is a small part, part of a bigger heart. 

“It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do a little. Do what you can.” – Sydney Smith

“Life is the many pieces of that great heart loving itself back together.” – Mark Nepo

The Club, businesses, parks, governments, restaurants, stores, all do their parts to help us keep our distance. Tough as that is. We are social beings, we don’t like to separate. It’s not our nature. 

One of the real challenges is observing other people’s behavior, and in our judgement, thinking they are not doing enough, or doing too much (being over obsessive, compulsive, or panicking). Under stress, it is easy to fall into judgement. But is that helpful? Does judgement get us to where we need / want to be? 

The truth is, we don’t have control over other people’s behaviors. And those behaviors, particularly in this case, can have an impact on our lives in a serious way. That is a big challenge for letting go. For grace and acceptance. For releasing judgement. 

I was walking recently, and a woman took it upon herself to instruct me on social distancing, and which side of the path to walk on, and so on. I knew I was following safe distancing but went out of my way to extend that. I could see the pain, and frustration in her face. She couldn’t control others, no matter how hard she tired. And she was trying hard, attempting to guide almost everyone on the path. It seemed like a place of suffering for her. And yet she felt called to be there. 

In these times, it feels at a deep level that we need to be looking for places of joy, of love, connection, community, gratitude, to build our strength and not putting ourselves in situations that lead us to suffering that are not necessary. We need to become stronger, not look for ways to be beaten down. 

Then there is empathy. I can feel, understand, witness her frustration and pain, I can hear it, acknowledge it, accept it for her, allow it (if it doesn’t hurt me or others), but I don’t have to take it on. Taking on her pain is not empathy, and not helpful. For her or for me. 

And I know she probably felt she was providing an important community service. Like a schoolmarm, scolding her misbehaving and unenlightened students. For their own good. Whether they liked it or not. (in the old days, with a ruler).

I had a grandma who was like this (an actual schoolmarm). Always the great cause, always doing the right thing. Leading the unknowing. The unsaved. She had a big hand in raising me, and I credit her with much of my moral compass and soul wisdom. But she was missing the love. She knew the right thing, the moral thing, the correct thing, but didn’t know the right reason (love, heart, soul, connection with the divine, the calling that those good actions come from), or she merely skipped over that to emphasize the answer. “Just the facts, ma’am” –Jack Webb. 

This troubled me for years, and then I found this, this idea helped set me free, on to my own path:

“The last temptation is the greatest treason, to do the right thing for the wrong reason.” – T.S. Elliot

For me, our actions need to start from the best place possible. “A Path with a Heart” – Jack Kornfield. 

Sixty years later, I know my grandma meant well. That the intellectual reason and the ironclad / just rules were a much easier, safer place for her to operate, than in the feeling and loving arena. Not her area of strength, or interest. My other grandma was much better in that department. 

I tell this very personal story, painful story, because I have to learn that I have no control over that either. People are going to be who they are. Who they feel they need to be. Sometimes it can cause us great damage (up to a point). And it is their business, not mine. 

My business is how I respond. A little boy is defenseless, but over time, I have developed a response to my upbringing, as we all do. It is why we all must leave home, and strike out on our own path, find our own answers.

We learn to protect ourselves from others, while hopefully maintaining an openness as well. When it is safe and appropriate. 

I’ve been mentored to believe that we are each in a golden bubble of light, of energy. We each have our own beliefs, images and defense mechanism. This one works for me. 

That golden bubble is permeable when we want it to be, a free exchange of energy, thoughts and feelings with others, and a solid barrier when it needs to be. It’s a boundary. The boundary part was hard for me. 

And the golden bubble allows me to share, my light, my energy, when it is safe, and feels appropriate. We let in what we feel is safe and in our long-term best interests. 

I can teach, if the student is willing, but it is the student who decides. It is their lesson, it is for them. I’m a helper, a guide, fellow traveler. And each of us learns a lesson when we are ready, and not a second before. 

I can’t tell you the number of times I have told someone something about their game, and how to fix it, and it just doesn’t happen. Then one day, they are ready, hear me (or sometimes someone else), and make the change, relatively easy. And I kid you not, many more than once I have been asked, “How come you never told me that before?” 

“When the student is ready, a teacher appears.” 

And I’m not immune. Every time I took a lesson with my mentor Doug, he would tell me to close the face more in the backhand preparation. Every single lesson, backhand after backhand, year after year, decade after decade, “close the face”. It became a joke. I could hear him, we would even laugh, but without his reminder, I wasn’t hearing it. And of course, I would hit better for a while, and then I would go back to my racquet face too neutral, and not closed enough. I would hit flatter than desired, instead of rolling the ball ideally. I still struggle with that, even though I am conscious, aware, and know that he is right. 

“Lessons are repeated until learned.” – Rules for Being Human. 

My business is how I respond. My behavior. And it will only change when it is time. I can’t force the change, just be open to it. There are different methods. I can ask God to remove my shortcomings. I can take lessons, I can work with friends, I can have my spouse or friends remind me. But it happens when it happens. “No wine before it’s time.” – Orson Welles

There is a shift, at some deep, subconscious level. And of course, this is the problem, so many of our patterns are subconscious. 

“The problem with the subconscious is that it is subconscious.” – Carl Jung. 

Then door in the wall appears, I open it and step into a room of higher understanding. A new level, a new me. How fun is that! 

So, what of control? I have some control over myself. I need to be gentle with myself, knowing that there are some deep wounds that are not so easy to fix, below the surface of my understanding. But I can keep going back to aligning with my soul, finding my best self, my most connected self, and then acting from there. 

In life, just like tennis, I can do my best, play my best shot, and see how that lands. When I’m in a higher state, more connected with life, I tend to “do better” but there are things that are my business, some that are other’s business, and some that are God’s.

My job is finding that place that best connects with me, my higher self, the divine, and gives me the best control over those things that I have an influence on.